In A Little While

hiatus

2005-06-13T17:54:00.000+08:00

HY wants me to let you know that she's on a short hiatus, as work and other commitments call.

in the meantime, you can check out the links to the right. or visit some good reading at Sojourners.

P.S. i'm not sure what's up with Big White Cube, but hopefully it's back up and running.

apple of my ire

2005-05-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

I swear the Big White Cube must have heard my grousing against it.

It did the most uncharitable act yesterday. I had just returned from a nice morning cycle along the beach, when I noticed there was a bad smell in the house. Then I noticed my Emac was emitting smoke!! And it wasn't even booted up!! And it was only barely a week old!! Outside, the sun was shining nicely and the sky a hospitable shade of blue.

Anyway. I gathered my nerves and called the AppleCare hotline--which for some bizarre reason directed me to a voice somewhere in Australia. Connection was awful, so after repeating myself for the seventh time, Voice burst out, Ma'am, you may be in danger! You'd better turn off your computer now and bring it to the service centre immediately.
I asked: You mean, I have to bring this hunk of hardware to the centre myself??
Voice: Yes Ma'am
Me: Can you get someone to carry the computer to the centre? It is kinda heavy (a total understatement)
Voice: No, Ma'am, we'll have to charge you a delivery fee
Me: Erm, I have to say this is pretty unfair. The computer was not installed for me when it was delivered. It could have been defective in the first place. It seems unfair to charge me for delivering something that was defective to begin with to the service centre.
Voice: Ma'am, I am so sorry this has to happen to you. I understand your frustration.

... and so on and so forth ... Voice went for about another five minutes telling me about how he empathized with me and "my frustrations"... I was drumming my fingers, thinking "understand, understand ... you(3) pi(4) yong(4)!

In the end, Pa and I took the Defect to the service centre. The address of the place says it is located in Ang Mo Kio, but the street directory says it is closer to Yio Chu Kang. That area of Singapore reminds me of a box of tangled-up electrical wires--there was even a Marine Parade New Town! We kept getting lost. We were racing against (the closing) time.

It was a good two hour ride. Pa and I managed to talk quite deeply about his newfound freedom, and his history. It was easy conversation, more comfortable than any we've had in ages.

I guess God works through recalcitrant computers too!

the big white cube

2005-05-15T01:42:00.000+08:00

My emac arrived two days ago.

It is quite an anti-climax; after months of deliberating the pros and cons of getting the machine, the wait, the (bump of a) hype about the new OS Tiger, I find I have no way to connect the cube to the net. I need the following: 1) a superlong telephone line plus a dial-up network 2) an Airport Extreme card 3) a Mac driver for a PC-compatible USB card.

All of which I do not have.
I gave in to convenience and got 2) An Airport Extreme card.

Or rather, Shortcake bought it on my behalf. After which I will have to get it from her, install it in my emac, decide if I prefer POP to IP to whathaveyous, and hopefully, after a million mouse-clicks and very crossed fingers, the big white cube says hallo to the world.

I am mildly irritated by the Thing, and even more so knowing that computers are inanimate objects that should live blame-free for all their shelf lives.

I have not named the Thing yet.

Pa Pa

2005-05-15T01:08:00.000+08:00

Hurrah!! My dad accepted Christ!! He will be visiting ARPC tomorrow with Ma.

I am amazed, bewildered, jaw-droppingly awe-struck by God. He has done it again. I cannot believe my dad could ever be Christian. This self-made man who, like the regular guy does, looks out for No. 1 first and foremost; this wizened 60-year old who grew up steeped in the mantras and sutras of taoism, this man who believed he had a special angel.

It is by the grace of God that my Dad heard the call into Christ's wonderful light. Amen Jesus!! Yay God Yay God Yay God!! :o)

odd and even days

2005-05-11T00:35:00.000+08:00

I live in a strange dichotomy of odd and even days. On odd days, my day's work is measured by the thickness of the Recruit section, what the fridge has in store for lunch as well as feeding Effie, Bloo, Xuan Xuan and their unnamed neighbours (including E, B and XX, I have six sweet basil plants, two lemon balm shoots and one dunno-what flower that Ki gave me for my b'day). On even days, work is a whirlwind of violently "gentle" reminders, sermon reviews and spurts of intense concentration as I do the dance between music teams and bulletins.

Today was an "even" day, so I was busy. I learnt a rather mind-blowing truth first thing in the morning; that all our Christian gatherings are complete and lacking nothing. So many times I think music team ABC needs XYZ musos, another acoustic guitarist, one Clay Aiken, a harp, flying angels, etc. But as Paul tells the Ephesian church (cf chapter two and other parts of the Bible), we are fully saved, and we are already now the temple of God. So, as one very discerning, definitely talented musician friend said, you don't need six individual players, just two in a band. Still, something recalcitrant in me says ... more is good, big sound is good mooozeek.

Spent the better part of today putting theory into practice. I am currently in the throes of organising the music teams for church camp. For some reason, only one bassist has signed up for the camp. And I am not sure if we want to/are able to lug/rent a drum set on location. So, we may have to do with a skeleton band. All is complete. All is good ... *whatever* is good enough.

At a certain limit, the human brain just gets too exhausted with all the probable possibilities. I think mine just reached cracking point.

Hopefully, Murakami and sleep will save me.

I can't believe the weather

2005-05-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

I think i have taken three showers today. It's one of those dejavu moments, when the minute you step out of the bath, you start to perspire again. ARGGGH.

People around me are starting to link things together--the impossibly hot weather, the bout of earthquakes, the crazy animals running amok in the zoo, the number of TCS stars getting pregnant (and being paid to appear on TV for being preggies), the devastating tsunamis...my friends say, the world is going mad these days.

maybe it is.

I need another shower.

other than the news...

2005-04-30T01:04:00.000+08:00

...what is really good to watch on tv these days?

Caught the tail end of this strange reality tv show where two families exchanged mothers. Trading Spouses, I believe it is called. This episode featured a rich, obviously well-maintained tai tai swopping places with this rather frumpy, typically heartlander-type. The sad bit was that Frump was the one who was rather unattractive inside, and the TaiTai was actually pretty sweet. You think you'd see the classic scenario of the Plain-Jane-with-Heart-of-Gold winning popularity votes over Babe-with-Candyfloss-Personality prevailing. But sadly, no.

Then again, it could be just the way the film was edited.

Barely half an hour ago, Jack LaLanne was on TV again with his Juice Tiger. The lady who was pushing the Tiger with him looked unhealthily over-exuberant. Really quite unsettling to watch.

Am going to curl up in bed with Murakami. Hopefully he will keep the nightmares at bay :o)

price of freedom II

2005-04-30T00:27:00.000+08:00

Had a couple of interviews so far. The earliest few were a laugh. Well, the first didn't actually happen. Loooong story: In short, the lady who called only decided to give me the details after the assigned time for the interview had passed (like, five hours). The second interview was an equally big joke; the guy wanted me to sell security equipment (I was like, huh...come from where one?).

anyway, some of the responses were better, but I won't bore with the details.

okay, okay, so the job situation isn't entirely hopeless ... I confess, I am a chronic worrier :o)

A verse from the Bible that struck me recently was Proverbs 21:25. The ESV translation says "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman" Hm. Maybe I really should do the impossible and Just Stop Worrying. By the way, Proverbs is really quite a book of gems. Some verses paint rather quaint images, like verse 19:24, "The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!" So, if you are going to ARPC's church camp 2005, do try to read through the book lah. Am giving you a headstart :o)

the price of freedom

2005-04-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

watermelongirl
Originally uploaded by hwees.

My days can start pretty depressing sometimes. A small lucky handful of you may never know how it feels to be actively looking for a job. For the rest of us hoi polloi, this is familiar: you search the Classified Ads, you send off resume after resume, and as the days go by without that blessed, hope-inspiring "new message" email notification--the phone stays stubbornly silent--your heart feels heavier, your blood runs slower, your future looks dimmer. You watch your money trickle off in the bank.

Such is the life of a freelancer,
and such is the life I have chosen.

The point when desperation kicks into the human pscyche comes when you've given your best and there is no more trying to be done. You are suddenly thrust from the smokescreen of fear-quenching busy-ness into the nothingness of boredom, prayer and anticipation. Yes I am the sort who cannot take a break :o)

I know things will probably get better with time, I have friends who are walking examples of happy, well-fed freelancers, and I have buddies who keep me posted on the newest job openings of relevance. It has been a humbling experience. Almost simultaneously, I learnt that I cannot rely on people and yet have seen the goodness and generosity of the human heart.

But ultimately, it boils down to simple faith. I have faith that my God is good and He will be glorified. And that is where it all begins and ends. This is what I cling to. All my hopes, efforts, friends, theological training cannot keep me going if not for this somewhat naive faith in the heart and character of an awesome Creator God.

In more ways than one, it has been a humbling experience.

blink blink

2005-04-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

And so, the last word has been said, the council has spoken. Moo Guorrh leaders have revealed their final decision to build not one but two bling-bling casinos on our bubblegum-free land. Sigh.

Perhaps Pa is right when he says we have no choice: who goes to our zoological gardens or Jurong Bird Park or the Science Centre anymore? And who cares about our world-class airport when everyone is flying dirt-cheap these days.

I can't help but feel a little saddened by the decision, however. The extra effort we are putting into our anti-gambling addiction counselling centres hints at how we are almost certain there is going to be a rise in victims. And you would be too, if you've seen the Toto queues before a snowball strike, and the hordes of people sitting in the coffeeshops silently and intently scratching at their scratch-and-win cards.

Not too long ago, our Prime Minister made a heartfelt speech calling for integrity and character in our citizens. Something just does not gel.

I know there are leaders in our parliament who are strong Christians. I can only wonder at the turmoil in their hearts. I wouldn't know what to do if I were in their shoes. That is why I am still here typing at this very low-profile blog and trying to live a humble existence :o)

It is so hard to shepherd a nation.

Thousands of years ago, the land of Israel could have felt likewise. When they saw how fashionable and seemingly trustworthy the pagan gods and practices were, the temptation to follow, to not be left behind must have been very strong. And the lone prophets who cried woe, woe to you if you do not turn back to the LORD were rejected and scorned.

It is so hard to shepherd a nation. How often do we forget to pray for our leaders.

munching on Moo Guorrh

2005-04-18T07:37:00.000+08:00

yummipura
Originally uploaded by hwees.

I love Singapore so much I ate it!

a nuah queen's wish list

2005-04-15T12:22:00.000+08:00

lantana
Originally uploaded by hwees.

As I was just telling Shortcake some time ago, I get kinda stressed out trying to inject fun and interesting things to do on my dates with Boyfriend. We had big plans: cycling at Pulau Ubin, T-shirt painting, visiting museums, movie marathons... Sadly we found out the flesh is a lot weaker than the spirit.

But I have come to realise, spending time with Ki is my biggest adventure. He is my quietest resting place, he makes me laugh, and he my willing partner in the game of "would you rather" (... be a macho man with a squeaky voice or a "girly" man with a macho voice, etc).

Monocerous posted a blog about what married life promises for her (http://www.monologs.net/archives/2005/04/13/plans.html). I add to her list...

1) sit on an overhead bridge and look at the midnight sky
2) cook (even more)
3) gentle hikes in Singapore's green places
4) persuading Ki to buy a cat (this will be a hard one)...then 4a) naming cat, 4b) buying nice cat furniture 4c) worrying over cat
5) jam music (I will teach him how to sing, and he can expand the range of keys I can play on the guitar)
6) talk with our parents and share Christ

Or, just talking will be nice.

Sometimes I forget these things we share, and remember only the disagreements, the differences and the difficulties in our path. I pray I will never forget for too long, or too far.

My Moo Guorrh

2005-04-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

IMG_0526
Originally uploaded by hwees.

I will say this unabashedly: I love Singapore.

True, making it big is a lot harder for my generation than it was for my dad's; true, the rich-poor/scholar-local graduate gap seems to be widening; true, it is ridiculously expensive to buy a roof over your head, and to own your own set of wheels; true, many things in the civil service can be improved (like the education system, for one).

I am not blind to the hardship of just getting by here either.

But it is heartening to think that people are generally friendly--their much reported apathy, I believe, is a result of paralysing shock when faced with weird happenings (eg: girl falling down escalator/man fainting on road/dead cat) and other similar events that require some immediate social action.

Our religious freedom is also something not to be scoffed at. I am always gladdened to see people reading their Bibles and Daily Breads on the MRT. I cheer them on silently.

And what about the food? the cheap and yummy hawker fare? the nice balmy weather (well most days lah), and, and dotdotdot. The list goes on. But the root of my patriotism is this: this is where I was born, my playground, my school-of-hard-knocks, my wonderland, my heartland. And as a Christ-proclaiming Christian, I am damn lucky to be here.

So, this fine city may not be fine enough to measure up to New York or London or Tokyo, but it is good enough for me.

life as a church rat

2005-04-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

... is GREAT! Or rather, it has been great so far. The staff at ARPC are truly quirky. The first thing the centre director said to me as I stepped into the office was, "Newcomers have to clean the toilets," ... her warm, welcoming smile told the truth, however. The "staff room" resembles a campus library, with its constant supply of munchies, sweets and strong, black coffee. Someone is always playing the guitar softly in the corner, there is constant yakkity-yak, and someone is always trying to do real work.

Such a change from the usual office, where people are expected to be mostly silent. I am still trying to get used to the idea that at ARPC, I am seen as a whole person, not just judged by my work. I have only started to stop feeling guilty for getting paid to do the church-related work I used to do furtively in the office, and then tiredly, after office hours.

There is sooo much to do! My portfolio includes publications and music, but given the ongoing nature of music ministry, I see myself spending the bulk of the first few months co-ordinating music events, sessions, training, etc. I wish I could spend more time on publications, which honestly speaking is closer to my heart and training.

And the music stuff itself is SCARY! Yours Truly Miss Scatterbrain has to organise the music teams for this year's church camp in June, and put together our annual music retreat... shudder, I have enough trouble co-ordinating a lunch box... I will surely pengsan and DIE, if not for Jesus.

It is worrying and stressful just thinking of all the stuff that is expected of me. But it is also comforting and exciting just knowing who my Master really is. And, so I go forth.

one more year

2005-04-07T14:29:00.000+08:00

Happy

Birthday!

my last day

2005-04-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

last moments
Originally uploaded by hwees.

... as a fulltimer.
nb: the man gamely doing the V-sign with me is none other than Uncle Shuijiao. Today I found out his name was Darren. He made me promise I would come back and visit.

the ground shivered

2005-03-29T11:49:00.000+08:00

(this must the the zillionth blog post on the earthquake that hit Indonesia last night...)

There was a knock on my bedroom door and I heard Goo'ah saying, "Yen, the house is shaking." I jumped out of bed, grabbed my handphone, changed into decent clothes, and followed my family out of our near shore flat. All the while, the lights were swaying, the mirrors too, and I was thinking, Is the the end? Am I dreaming?

The lift door opened (there was a split-second doubt about taking the lift), and my family crammed in with our neighbours.

Mr Cherry-blossom: "Wah this time more serious than last time ah." (nb: we've experienced three tremors so far)
Pa: "Yah, this time, i think, like, one minute long."
Rich Man's Son: "I thought I was dreaming man, I really didn't feel a thing."
Cherry-blossom's wife: "Really ah? Our floor the lights all swaying y'know."

The conversation continued until we reached the ground floor. A couple of others had already come down and we joined the pyjama-ed crowed peering intently at all hanging objects. In the typical Singaporean fashion, talk of the imagined doom was rather heartland ("where to hide? Go to the beach, got tsunami, go mount faber also not high enough?"). At that point, I reassured Ma, "Ma don't worry, if anything happens, we have Jesus," and I wished in my heart, Pa, why can't you see Jesus?

the day i was born

2005-03-26T09:07:00.000+08:00

My IC says I was born on April 7, but my heart says I was born when my Lord rose from the grave to give me Life. By the grace of God, my b'day always falls rather close to Easter week, which forces me to remember my new life, and how I must live my earthly days for His glory.

I have many many New Life Resolutions threatening to abandon their incoherence in my mind... For now, I have two:
1) Praise God!! Pa recently showed some interest in Jesus (finally!!) and has signed up for the Alpha Course. Ma, already a Christian, is going with him. I pray that God will help me to show Him in my life, so that Pa cannot point the finger and say, "you'or Christians believe in God still like dat." Eep.
2) That I just take the courage to sit down with Ma maybe once a fortnight and discuss/pray over the Word. I scared lah. I once used to slam doors in her face, and now, I still give her the Don't-Bother-Me-Now dirty look when all she wants to do is make sure I have eaten my dinner and taken my vit C/primrose oil/calcium tablet ...

As a wise one said to me, I need to praypraypraypraypray!! I know, by myself, living for another person is a doomed endeavour. With Jesus, I win oredi.

kawai or what!

2005-03-24T18:03:00.000+08:00

cute japanese merchandize
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Ki and I made a trip down to Daiso (a first for me) where everything was so kawai. We bought the azuki beans Ki used in his magic green tea jelly; the beans come in a little can. I also couldn't resist these cute cans of beverage (see right).

Sadly, we did a taste test today, and were not impressed. Mild Cocoa (far right) tasted like diluted Milo without milk and sugar; Caffe Latte (far left) was like Kafei Shui; Black Coffee was just, coffee. We gave the strange fruity drink a miss. The disappointment would have just killed us. Besides we were getting kinda full from all the liquid :o)

for ever after

2005-03-24T12:43:00.000+08:00

marriage vows
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Some time ago Alto forwarded this to me:

"Singaporean couples may not be happy with their partners but they will marry them anyway, a global survey on relationships shows.
The poll of 716 Singaporean couples who planned to wed showed 39 per cent were unhappy in their relationships, the highest proportion of nine societies surveyed by a US-based marriage and family therapy organisation." http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200503/s1316933.htm

Wow...The scary thing is the amazing thing... "how come you still pian(1) pian(1) want to marry? When you ming(2) ming(2) know you not happy?" Friends who read that article responded saying it took courage to stay single, especially in light of the pressure women face from their aunties at family gatherings, and with the inner fears that you will one day become an auntie yourself.

True, but it also takes courage to get married. My pastor did lament once (and i think, many many other times out of my earshot) that ARPCians place way too much emphasis on Happiness and too little on Tolerance. I know two Christians who believe you can marry Any Christian and have a godly Christian marriage. Okay, one is happily married, and the other is a, well, rather desperate single. More power to them ... But I do wonder if that is necessarily the way of Christ? Sometimes I wonder if it even matters very much to Him whether or not we get married, have triplets, name them after the apostles and all that jazz or that we Just Try Our Darndest To Live Godly Lives in wherever situation we are?

Why do people get married nowadays, if not for happiness? The "Go-forth-and-procreate" command I think (I hope?) no longer applies to us now, right? We've already over-filled our poor little earth. Surely the mere idea of marriage is not good enough? I sure wouldn't marry a billionaire whom I know will see to it that I am cared for if we cannot communicate, mutually serve, inspire and learn together in times of joy and laughter (and all the bad bits that come when two sinners share one space lah). But I think I might marry a godly man who makes me laugh even if I knew he was going to die in a year's time. Companionship? Trust? You have your good friends for that, don't you?

But what is happiness? That high you get when you hold hands? When the sun rises in her eyes? When you get off the right side of the bed? Way, way too subjective. For me at least, "happiness" is the warm fuzzy thing intertwined with the joy of knowing you are doing the right thing by God, and that God will be there with you after the fuzz fizzles out.

I guess marriage is perhaps the closest to the intimacy we can have with God in our fallen world right now. With no one other than your half can you be so totally open, vulnerable and seen-through. So perhaps, we all yearn for it because we were made for this intimate relationship with our Creator. But that also means that our ultimate reality is not marriage on earth, but a heavenly one.

magic green tea jelly

2005-03-24T09:18:00.000+08:00

ki's green tea jelly
Originally uploaded by hwees.

I am slowly coming to realise that Boyfriend is the King of Jellies. He is famous for his konnyaku concoctions--you never know what he puts in them.

Ki made this yummy green tea jelly on sunday. I tried to coax the recipe out of him in, you know, the kind of exact measurements women cooks like. All he said was, "Very simple one, just use green tea powder as the base, make the jelly, then spoon the azuki beans over it." Yah, very very simple hor.

just bread on the table

2005-03-23T12:56:00.000+08:00

Again, this is a comment to a comment, but too long to be posted as one :o)

I refer to Hamster's very heartfelt entry (see Too Early Now). And for all who echo his lament, take joy in knowing that this is not what God's original plan was like. It was only after sin came into the picture that the ground sprung thorns and frustrated us (Gen 3: 17-18). In our ultimate reality, we won't have to deal with work stagnation, for really, what could be more joyous than to be praising God all day long?

There is nothing intrinsically wrong in looking for a job that is "fulfilling" or pays well, or to plan for financial security--as long as you remember where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:20-21).To some extent, we do have to go for what works for us. As Christians, we try to work out what would be the wisest and most God-glorifying way to spend our lives, and keep in mind that a) work is really a means to put bread on the table for yourself, your family and God's family b) work is a place where you can shine for Christ, make him attractive to non-Christians, and to encourage Christians in the office c) our real work on earth is to spread the Word (ie: The Great Commission).

Recently, reality bit me hard. In my final month in what I still think is a nice, cushy, (overly) comfy job as an editor, I decided to "train" myself to live within a budget of remains (assured income--ie part-time church pay--minus insurance premiums, handphone bills, internet bills, transport fees, etc). I discovered that I probably can survive if I live like a hermit and bring my No Frills sandwich out to dine with my pals. HAHA. Not funny. Not happy. Not happifying at all.

I am living out the What Happens Ifs ... in my head more and more vividly as the days go by (remember I have a strong dramatic streak!), and some days the worry gets me down. Boyfriend has been supportive. He reminds me to cling onto Jesus and how God will provide. He tries to slip the 10-dollar note past me when we are paying for our meals. He reminds me that my Worst Case Scenarios are not reality (and so to stop drowning in them). He helps me reaffirm that this path is what I know to be the right and obedient step to take.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking I need what the world has, and I judge myself by what the world is, but if I look to the Word and pray, I discover again the values of God's Kingdom. The voice of this age will fade away, but what great joy to hear on That Day the voice of God say Well done!

I know God will provide. He has already provided for our biggest need with the highest price; He sent His Only Son to die for us when all we could think of was how to rule over God. Surely He will provide for us now that we are His Beloved. Even if we do starve sometimes, He will provide enough for us to remain Christian until our dying day, and He will do this for the sake of Jesus, and because He is God, and He will be glorified. What greater assurance do we need?

Sometimes I think the decision to go into church work could be the best thing I ever did. This year, I will really learn how to trust Him, and I am getting excited already. And to you Hamster, my fellow saint in Christ, I say, press on! We have in us jars of clay the undying glory of the gospel of Christ. That is our ministry and diginity. I will pray for you :o)

Too Early Now

2005-03-18T08:38:00.002+08:00

... My brain is waiting to boot up... and I caught a Random Think.

Watched In Good Company with Alto on Monday. It was a nice, surprisingly mellow movie somewhat reminiscent of Sideways. Surprising because if you saw the trailers, you'd think, Ah, another Meet-The-Fockers-type movie. Naaaah, pass.

Anyway, the movie echoed this question that all of my nearly-thirty friends seem to be asking: What do I want in my job? A much younger friend said she wanted to work with nice bosses, doing something interesting, not too low-paying, and which allows her to go home on time. Maybe as you get older, you realise something's gotta give?

But really? What do we want?

I know we should be content with a decent job and--dare I say it--boredom, if the job allows us to spend quality time with our loved ones and with God, and makes enough for us to put bread on the table, but is that what we should be looking for? I cannot imagine wasting away 10 hours of my life everyday doing some mind-numbing thing. Maybe the focus will change when I have babies/house/car/potted plants to feed ... Maybe the focus should change NOW?

Okay! Brain is sufficiently warmed up. Zho gang zho gang!

the girl who once wore red specs

2005-03-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

laksa
Originally uploaded by hwees.

It was a rather poignant sunday evening when I bid farewell to my oldest friend before she leaves for a three-year stint in Beijing. We've known each other since we were classmates at Dunman High. We spent countless hours screaming on the volleyball courts, wearing nothing on our faces but the noonday sun (as I got older, the SPF factor got higher). She has seen me through the wink-nudge of the innocent teenage crush to the more serious soul-crushing breakup. She knows who my scummy ex-boyfriends are. She was the one who led me to Indigo Girls, Tori Amos, Sarah Maclachlan, Murakami and continues to be a reliable source of interesting things. We've seen each other when we were both A Lot uglier :o) She once wore thick red plastic specs, and I once had the hair of a scarecrow.

But at the end of the day, what I hope to remember most about this friendship is her steadfast walk in the light. True, she has her dry times, but she has always clung on ... or rather, I've seen how God has clung on to her. I want to hold dear to our prayers, our honesty, and the times I realised in my heart she has grown in Christlikeness.

Take care, dear one. He is always with you.

parable of the mustard seed

2005-02-25T00:23:00.001+08:00

big tree, many rings
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Again he said, "What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade."(Mark 4: 30-32)

heheh, you figured it out. This entry is an excuse to post the pix (again, courtesy of Ki--if you haven't guessed by now, I don't actually own my own digicam :o)

sorry, one moment, please

2005-02-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

postcard landscape
Originally uploaded by hwees.
Ukilut brought this picture back from the States when he last went there. I thought it came straight out from a God-Grant-Me-The-Serenity postcard. And rather apt for a blue funk moment. Thanks Ki!

Friends, I thought this/was living./Indoors, someone/had put out a cigarette/in a jar of mustard./I had a straight shot/from the bottle, then/a drink of warm collins mix,/then another whisky./And though I went from room/to room, no one was home./What luck, I thought./Years later,/I still wanted to give up/friends, love, starry skies,/for a house where no one/was home, no one coming back,/and all I could drink.
(Raymond Carver, excerpt from "Luck", Fires, 1985)

I am in one of my rather morose moods today, and find myself pondering over the hopelessness of life. I am not a great fan of poetry or poets, and much less a fan of Raymond Carver. But how I feel is uncannily captured in the borrowed words above, where the protagonist seeks meaning in grasping after the wind. The drink that makes his day in his youth would later haunt him in his adult life.

We are all addicted to something or other. If you scratch beneath the surface, even the most well-rounded, well-adjusted individual will find something he cannot let go off. Fun, food, sex, praise, people, buying things you don't need, etc etc, you name it, we have it. At the root of it all, we are addicted to sin.

Sin tears at all that is good and lovely. It is anti-social, anti-life, anti-God. It makes a parody of who we are meant to be in the image of God.

Two days ago, I saw such a picture of hell on earth.
"This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones." (Mark 5: 3-5)

This is akin to our true state without God. Few people can read the account of the man possessed by the legion of demons without thinking you poor, poor soul, but do we feel the same compassion for the person on the street?

Jesus did a beautiful thing for the man in Mark 5. He cured him, restored his dignity, his sanity and his place in his community. More importantly, He opened the man's heart-eyes to recognize that Jesus was the Lord (Mark 5:20). For us saints, Jesus has broken our bondage to sin.

So many times, I look back on how I failed God, and I must admit, I get depressed. My prayers weaken in their conviction, and sometimes I doubt the power of the Holy Spirit. But I know these are but lies. The Bible says that the grace which brings salvation has already shown me a way to say No to worldly passions, and all that stand in the way of leading a godly life. How I long to know the power of His resurrection more and more. I will struggle, I will fall, but by His grace, I will press on.

Hm, am still feeling morose. This has been a weird and convoluted entry, and I do apologise. Should go get some exercise, and pump some of those happyfying whatchumacallit chemicals into me. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I say. Tonight, I think it will be wiser to open my Bible and pray.

********************************
PS: Erm, before you jump on me, I am so, so not saying that people who are addicts are demon-possessed, because that would make all of us.

after the waffles, part II

2005-02-23T00:51:00.001+08:00

This is too long to be posted as a comment, so it is here as a separate entry.

hm... I think a.'s comment refers to an article on BGR specifically, not so much platonic friendships. The quote does point to a commendable attitude we should have as Christians, and a truth we should never forget--to trust God with both our hopes and fears. Once we know we can never, ever fall beyond the reach of His arms, we can be free, in a sense, to live and love.

But I still think that to love without expectations is a difficult goal to achieve in practice. To place things in a rather general fashion, my social circle can be divided into two categories: People I HAVE to Love, and People I Like. The truth is, the only people I have been able to "love" without expectations are those people who fall into the former list. And they tend not to be Inner Circle friends.

I don't know about you, but it is a joyful thing for me to be someone my friends expect to have around when Unforeseen Circumstances happen, that they expect me to pick up the phone when they call at 5 am, and they expect me to, well, be a good and true friend. Isn't trust the unspoken flip side of expectations. I trust you to care, thus I expect you to be there for me.

Hamster's link (see comments in Waffles post, below) brought up another point: Sometimes it is dangerous to love without expectations. Let's not confuse "Unconditional Love" with "Love without Expectations." At the heart of mutual accountability--a very good and Christian thing--lie expectations. In the pastoral letters, Paul draws up models of behavior for men, women, wives, deacons, pastors, etc. Don't these roles come with expectations? Should a wife not be faithful to her husband? Can any woman honestly say of her husband, I don't expect him to come home to me every night? Is this freedom necessarily a good and loving thing?

Coming back to where we began, I think we need to know that we can only expect our fellow saints on earth to fail us. I am not saying we should say "yah, right" to every good thing others plan to do for us, but it would be good to keep in mind that people fail despite their best intentions. And I keep in mind too my own sinful nature. How many times have I promised God I Will Never Do That Again, only to do it again the next day?

The only one who will never disappoint us is God. Not that we can expect Him to answer every prayer we utter, but we can expect Him to work out His plan in our lives. Whatever happens will be a good thing, because our God is a good and powerful God who graciously shapes us with a love that blows all our puny, earth-bound expectations, and that, if released in its full experiential and knowable impact on us right now, will probably cause our hearts to explode with joy.

after the waffles

2005-02-18T23:13:00.001+08:00

waffles, as requested, alto
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Just met up with Alto for waffles and ice cream. In that quiet, unassuming way of hers, my friend made me think. The topic of discussion that sticks to my mind is, surprise! surprise! Love. Yup, we girls talk about relationships all the time. We spoke about the asymmetry of relationships, and how it strangely characterized the best relationships. If I summarize correctly, asymmetry was defined not as the fact (ie: boy treats girl like postbox, girl treats boy like best friend), but the non-calculation of the give-and-take. In the best relationships, there is to be no balance sheet.

The waffles became a sodden mess, and we contemplated the issue between mouthfuls of macademia ice cream...

What she found out was true. And maybe it is part of a process. We do calculate how much we get from our colleagues, neighbors and the usual bunch we call acquaintances, but with the special few we bring into our inner circle, there is a point where we think we know enough of them to trust them, and then we just let go. Yet the charmed ones within this circle are often the ones who hurt us the deepest.

By this time, Alto has stopped eating and I was left to mop up the rum and raisin ice cream...

The conversation naturally moved on to the idea of Agape Love. Neonangel had referred to a blog where Agape Love was described as a love which didn't expect (correct me if I am wrong). The model was Christ's love for sinners--a beautiful picture of selfless sacrifice. We are supposed to give love without expecting anything in return, and to rely on God as the One who would ultimately take care of us. We are to trust Him with our fears and hopes and know that even when we fall, He will be there to catch us.

The thoughts slowly moved around my mind as the waffles settled in my tummy...

I have come to understand that God knows the dust of my frame and will not let me take what I cannot bear, but is it right that we do not expect ... anything? Surely the throwing away of the give/take-balance sheet comes with a certain level of expectation? At the very least, should I not expect my friends to care?

Christ did die for sinners, but not all sinners will be saved. The Messiah ultimately died so that God's will be done. There are many songs out there that romanticize the death of our Savior to an act of supreme love for the sinner. That has always made me a little uncomfortable. Surely God's Son died because He was obedient to the Father first and foremost? If He really thought of us above all, why does Hell exist?

So. If there is any connection at all, in the same way that Christ's love was for the will of His Father, our love for one another should be God-centred. Shouldn't I then expect my Christian friends to be godly at least? Should I not expect the ones in my intimate circle to point me to Christ? And should I not rebuke them if they instead try to lead me away?

Hm... I wonder.

waiting or just ... sitting?

2005-02-09T11:07:00.000+08:00

happily sitting
Originally uploaded by hwees.

I have a question for you. Do you secretly want to be found? A friend of mine, whom I shall call YC, thinks that behind our words and pictures, we are silently hoping for someone to take enough notice of us, make the extra effort, be tireless on the mouseclicks, and finally reveal our true identity.

Or that is what I think he meant anyway.

I don't know about you, but I don't want really want to be "discovered". Partly because I am the Closet Diva-type who can only belt it out when my eyes are closed; partly because I would like to be known for my words and thoughts in the quiet of this psuedo privacy; partly because I like the power to choose who I want to be ... before it all comes out anyway!

Maybe it is one of those Guy Things. You know what they say about men and the chase. Maybe the challenge of seeking and finding is just soooo alluring. Maybe I speak for myself, but I really just don't get it.

I've got too many things to think about already without squeezing in one more "possibly maybe". I need my coffee.

shui jiao

2005-02-09T01:57:00.000+08:00

Christmas Day shui jiao
Originally uploaded by hwees.

I love shui jiao. Love them yummilicious juicy shrimp-and-chives dumplings and their dough-skin wings. Of course, if they are swimming in a steaming rich broth ... aiyoh lagi best!

Dumplings seem to make an appearance on rather important occasions in my rather ordinary life. Come lunchtime, I try my best to cajole my colleagues into eating at my favorite dumpling soup stall (again). The uncle there knows me well. Once he catches me in his line of sight, we both exchange an all-knowing nod, and before you can say "what shall I eat today?", Uncle places a bowl of his famous shui jiao tang on our table. Such good food and personable service ... what else do I need to battle the rest of the workday?

I made my first shui jiao on Christmas Day. That morning, Ki and I had a real busy day at church (etc), and our tempers were getting rather short at one point. The festive crowd pressing in on us didn't help. But making the dumplings together for dinner did. There is something uniquely therapeutic about kneading the filling on the dough skin, then folding it over into a dumpling ... knead and fold, knead and fold. So nice!

And just yesterday, I made shui jiao tang for my parents. It had been years since I last cooked a meal for my parents. In fact, the last time I cooked an entire meal for them was way back during my teenage years, when I was not yet a rebellious young adult.

So it was good, just sitting there, eating and talking, slurping on the soup, commenting on how youngsters are nowadays, my brother ("he got girlfriend or not har?"), which MediaCorp actress we liked best ("eh, that Michelle Chong very pretty hor"), and about life and soups in general.

Guess what I'm having for lunch tomorrow?

the here and not yet

2005-02-08T23:54:00.000+08:00

big, blue, and beautiful
Originally uploaded by hwees.

" ... so you have really never wondered what heaven will be like?" I asked ES one day. "Not really," she replied. "I just assume it will be too different to imagine."

I must admit I think about heaven quite a bit. Over the past week, especially. For some reason, I have been plagued by this cloud of sadness hanging over me. Why is this world so ... broken? I see one of my best friends crumble under the weight of Things that Just Happen, Ma and Pa grow old, my parents persist in misunderstanding my best intentions, I demand too much from Ki. And somewhere out there, a foreign worker cuts off his finger for the monetary compensation to feed his family back home, frail old ladies are robbed in lifts, and the poor are always with us.... Frankly, I am tired. All I truly madly deeply want is, quite simply, to rest.

Who wants to live forever when we live in the sphere of shadows?

Sometimes I feel that God kindly and generously graced this world with glimpses of heaven to sweeten our bumpy walk of faith on earth. Unlike ES, my idea of heaven is not so out-of-this-world. Surely the joys of friendships, of intimacy, of discovery, of taste, touch, sight, sound and smell do not exist merely for themselves?

And one day we will truly rest.

I woke up this morning to a glorious day of blue sky and even bluer sea. The sun was violently golden. I saw the sunlight dancing on the water, and I held its warmth on my palms for a full minute. I felt something in my heart dissolve ....

Maybe I caught a glimpse of heaven today.

err...erratum

2005-01-31T09:06:00.001+08:00

little church
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Sorry...Apparently we do have a Church Building Fund. RescuedMan rescued me from continuing in my mistaken thinking... :o)

Anyway.

more trivia: Why does the Colins Cobuild English Dictionary for Advanced Learners (Major New Edition [!!!]) not have the word "erratum"? I wonder...

...yes, you!

2005-01-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

hamster escape
Originally uploaded by hwees.

Following the Snowflake trail and Hamster's comment, do note that Project Timothy is conducting a retreat come Feb 4-6 regarding issues to think about with respect to full-time church/gospel ministry {for want of a better phrase-->:o) we are ALL full-time gospel workers}. Check out http://www.projecttimothy.com (Ministry Matters) for more details. Registration might have closed already, but you can order tapes of the talks via the website, I think.

confessions at three

2005-01-26T15:02:00.000+08:00

I am sitting at the office typing merrily away at my mac. Ki is out there inventing the invisible cape and saving the world. Aqualung sings to me. Brighter than Sunshine... Yeah, the weather has turned golden these days. And if you squint a little through the industrial smog that always hangs around this place, the sky actually looks blue.

All that stands in the way of me and life out there is the office door, time and the bulk of twenty-something emails I have to file.

Which I did in the split-second it takes to yawn. Then...what? This is terrible. I ask myself, would you rather be bored or would you rather be stressed. I find if I am one, I choose the other. Such is the human condition. I see an ant crawling on my desk. Three twenty-one P.M.

There is much to confess. Firstly, yup, I am so obviously not working. (But what is there to do?) Secondly, my life--and its minutiae of dotdotdots and etcetcetcs--is slowly taking over this blog which Alto kindly set up for Little While.

The third confession I need to make has been weighing on my chest for eons: there is no "ARPC Church Building Fund." *shock shock horror horror* Chorch and I did ask Chris if there was such a fund to begin with, and if we could direct the proceeds of the CD sales there. Chris gave his usual mutter and disappeared in a rush. For those who are not familiar with ARPC, Chris is our pastor. And like most pastors, he very the busy one, so he speaksalittlefasterthanmostpeople. Later someone told us there was no "building fund" as such, but there was a general fund for ARPC's various needs and ministries. So that is where the CD proceeds are heading. Well, if you look at it this way, the money does go toward the building up of God's family (which is the Church) at ARPC, yah? Breathe easy now.

I have one last confession to make. It is no longer three o'clock. In fact, somewhere along the third paragraph of this entry my colleague passed some work to me. So I clicked the "save as draft" icon on the screen and was rather happily busy for a while. Between that and now I managed to shop, cook what Ki called "survival food" for dinner (if he weren't so funny I might have killed him), travel back from his place to mine, miss the last bus, hop on a cab and finally make it home. What time is it now? Too late! My lovely bed beckons...

Ode to Ukilut

2005-01-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

spacecat,
originally uploaded by hwees.

(spacegirl reprise)
I like the place you give me
to lay my tired head
I like the room you make for me
in the things we leave unsaid
I love those lazy afternoons
watching TV on your bed
As the world goes on its crazy way
forever and today

snowflake on my nose

2005-01-22T01:05:00.001+08:00

So there we were, Chris and I and the elders of the church, sitting round the table in the ARPC library on a cool Sunday afternoon. Someone asked, what made you decide to come on board the ARPC staff?

For three years, I have thought about this, prayed about this, talked through it, slept on it, sought advice, kept it on the backburner, did the sums, the cost-benefit analysis, lived out the worst case scenarios, drew up mindmaps, flowcharts, and a list of pros and cons, and painfully came to the realisation that I did not want to live a refrain of what-ifs and could've-beens.

Yet more than anything, I am scared stiff.

Like it or not, things are going to change. For one, there are going to be expectations. Despite better judgement, there is still a tendency to think church workers more "holy" than the layperson. But hey, I too am made of dust. And I know my human-ness all too well. I am still the same girl trying to escape the envy and the anger and the occasional sh*t that slips off her tongue.

And then there are the expectations of my parents. They who have silently tried to come to terms with my choice of an already low-paying professional career now have to deal with the pitying looks of the Joneses...ah, so your daughter is now working for the church?

Of course, there is the question of money, and the change in lifestyle that comes with it. And what will I become? Will the cheapest deal, the best offer, and the biggest discount become my sole concern? Will my friends be obliged to feed me the next time we eat at a nice restaurant?

There are too many things swirling in my little mind. I fear too many small and mindless things....

On that same Sunday, I was sitting on my bed, enjoying my usual Sunday morning talk with the God who saved me. I told Him my heart and my worries. I told Him my brain was going to explode, and my thoughts were going round in circles and chains. I told Him all I really really want to do is to live a life of praise, and I told Him I was gonna let go and just trust Him. So there I was, sitting in my room cocooned in the golden morning light, with the wind on my face, in the quiet of prayer. I considered the birds in flight, and the intricate mechanism of airborne freedom, and how much it took to design a single wing stroke. It suddenly moved me to know that I was more than the sparrows and the lilies of the field. I knew, intensely and without a doubt, God loved me, and that I was going to be okay.

gramaphone

2005-01-15T01:55:00.000+08:00

hwee's CD is on sale at gramaphone! this was taken at OUB Centre. note the number 1 spot. =)

how things happened

2005-01-14T10:38:00.000+08:00

Some have asked how did the CD come to be? Honestly, I don't really know. The songs came in dribs and drabs: a rif here, a line there, something a friend said, but always in the privacy of my room, bathed in the sodium light of my bedside lamp, with the Bible and my guitar. Often I prayed for a song to encourage, but equally often the songs can be read as journal entries that tell of God's gentle rebuke of my sinful heart.

Cutting the album was also a big giant blur to me. It all started when Jessy and I were asked to present an item at the TWIST conference in Sydney (October 2003). Somehow, singing in front of my family in Christ made me realise I was not just singing notes and tunes and mere words, but I was speaking about the truth of God. So I decided I was gonna be responsible for this gift and I was gonna cut a CD and I was gonna do it to the best of my limited ability. I prayed about it and asked that God's will be done.

The way the project swiftly took off after that was, to this day, quite surreal. I was introduced to Chorch, who then introduced me to Josh who then arranged the songs and negotiated the deal with Hype Records. The whole process involved thrashing out musical structure over infrequent visits to Josh's home studio (with its unstoppable flow of musos), strange conversations on the phone (often with me singing aloud in the office), rushing to Hype after work, whining (and whining and whining!!!) to my friends about how hard life had become and praying (okay, amidst more whining) for God to grant me the strength to glorify Him.

Before I knew it, In a Little While was born.

Chorch just told FOHY (Friends of Hwee Yen) that in just 40 days, half of the CDs had been sold. That too is a huge blur. How can it be?

I know I have to steel myself for the flurry of activity that will come with sales and publicity...and I must admit, I am scared of burnout, of becoming a monster to my loved ones, of just Not Having Enough Time (!!), of becoming a praise-hungry performer, and of rejection. But in the blur of everything, one thing is very clear. I see God's faithfulness in providing me the strength and the means to do what I hope will always be His ministry. This has always been for Him, sustained by Him, and He promised He will always be with me.

Just the other day I had that warm fuzzy feeling that sometimes meaningful things somehow manage to happen notwithstanding the rigidity of routine, that some magic somehow manages to squeeze in between the years marked by the rush-hour shuffle, my morning coffee, the Whatever-Soup I call lunch, then eventually bolting out of the office into the blissful company of friends, a hot shower, my darling bed, and the torture of waking up.

Christmas Service

2004-12-23T14:54:00.000+08:00

ARPC's Christmas service will be held this Saturday, 25 December 2004, at ACS (I) Dover Road. 10 am.

cover-girl (deux)

2004-12-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

The album

thank you

2004-12-09T17:42:00.000+08:00

we've had encouraging sales so far, thank God. and thank you all for your support!

we're going to be selling the CD's at ARPC this weekend again, so please look out for the booth (which should be next to where you buy your lunch/dinner packets =)).

overseas orders

2004-12-03T09:46:00.000+08:00

i forgot to mention, but those who are overseas, and would like to buy a copy, please email me at contralto [at] hotmail.com and i'll send you instructions from paypal on how to pay. price - USD12, plus shipping.

sound clips

2004-12-03T01:09:00.000+08:00

as promised, two sound sound clips from Hwee's album have been posted below.

I'd Rather Love

2004-12-03T01:03:00.000+08:00

This song was born out of the frustration at not being able to love the way God commanded. I know I will always struggle with my heart on this side of eternity, but I also know that Jesus' death and resurrection has made it possible for us to love in the truest sense. May His Spirit, and the Word of Christ teach me how.

I'd Rather Love

sound clip here [right click, save please]

The Romans 8 Song

2004-12-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

God brings me back to Him time and again to the inescapable truth of His word and the unmistakeable depth of His patient love. I wrote this song in the early days of my journey in Christ on what soon came to be my favourite verses on God's grace, shown in the death of Christ, and my new life in Him.

The Romans 8 song

sound clip, here [right click, save please]

songs off the album

2004-12-01T10:16:00.000+08:00

Hear Hwee sing, and buy the album at Adam Road Presbyterian Centre at services this week - look for us in the fellowship hall. =) all proceeds will go towards ARPC's church building fund. CD's are priced at S$18 each.

Album Launch

2004-12-01T09:02:00.000+08:00

Hwee's album launches today!

In A Little While

hiatus

apple of my ire

the big white cube

Pa Pa

odd and even days

I can't believe the weather

other than the news...

price of freedom II

the price of freedom

blink blink

munching on Moo Guorrh

a nuah queen's wish list

My Moo Guorrh

life as a church rat

one more year

my last day

the ground shivered

the day i was born

*kawai* or what!

for ever after

magic green tea jelly

just bread on the table

Too Early Now

the girl who once wore red specs

parable of the mustard seed

sorry, one moment, please

after the waffles, part II

after the waffles

waiting or just ... sitting?

shui jiao

the here and not yet

err...erratum

...yes, you!

confessions at three

Ode to Ukilut

snowflake on my nose

gramaphone

how things happened

Christmas Service

cover-girl (deux)

thank you

overseas orders

sound clips

I'd Rather Love

The Romans 8 Song

songs off the album

Album Launch

kawai or what!